Naomi is a Fat Slag….

Yeh, that was written about me.
In the girls toilets at school when I was 15 years old. At 15 years old I was
condemned a ‘fat slag’. At that time the most disturbing of that statement was
being called fat. I don’t know why, truth is I’ve been called names due to my
body, size, shape and weight all my life. I should have been used to it by that
time, actually I was used to it, used to it in the sense I was so emotionally
messed up over the constant taunts over my body that I just couldn’t see what
the real me looked like. 

I’d always been a ‘bigger’
child/teen etc, fat though? Looking back, I wouldn’t have said so. I was a very
active kid when I was younger, always running about in the street on summer
days playing hide and seek, football and rounders on the local grass patch,
zooming around on my roller blades which I absolutely adored to pretend I was
Ariel from the Little Mermaid on, was I conscious of my weight at that time?
Yeh, by that age, when the rest of the kids were more worried about what Top
Trumps card they were going to swap I was already upset about my body. I
remember ‘friends’ as young as junior school age telling me they didn’t want to
play with me and measuring their waists with their hands, as my waist was slightly
bigger I was shunned and told they didn’t want to play with me because I was fat.

Then came secondary school, I was
bullied by a girl and her friends because some stupid lad got upset because after he’d tried to hit on me I’d told him I didn’t
fancy him so he went and made up some rubbish lies and told them to this group
of year 10’s (I was year 7 at the time) just to get me into trouble with them , oh and
boy did it!

I was followed one lunch time,
called ‘fat bitch’, ‘fat slag’, ‘ugly fatty’ all the way from the school gates
to the local newsagents where we all bought sweets. The main bully then ordered
a load of her friends to hold my hands back whilst she punched me and tipped a
fizzy drink all down my back and over my head and continued to taunt me with insults whilst
everyone else just stood back and let it happen. I’ll never forget that day, it
was a few days before the end of the summer term, we were all meant to be going
to a local theme park the next day to celebrate getting to the six weeks
holidays. I ran home that lunch time, hid in my garden shed and sobbed my heart
out, too terrified to go back. I remember the next morning pretending to be
sick and begging my mom not to send me to school, she couldn’t understand, I’d
been so excited about that trip for months. I never went.

September came and the year 10
gang that had bullied me were now year 11 and had no intention of letting me
get on with school life without getting another round of abuse. I remember
standing outside a classroom one day waiting to go into an art lesson.
Whilst I was waiting a class were coming out of the same room, fear kicked in.
The class was full of my bullies. As they walked out, one of them saw me and
the main bully of the group turned on me, made it look like she was about to
walk past me but as I thought I was being left alone, thought I was safe and unnoticed, she turned around and
punched me so hard in the face it broke a tooth. No one said anything, blood started
dripping from my mouth, I was trying my best to hold back the tears, trying to not show them
that inside I was a mess. As they walked away the taunts, oh the taunts and the
names ‘you fucking fat ugly bitch’, ‘no one will ever shag a fat whale like you’,
‘go and fucking kill yourself fatty’. I tried that, ran home that lunch time,
took nine paracetemol thinking it would end it all, I’d not be that fat bitch
taking up all those deserving, beautiful peoples space any longer, me with my
whale like proportions, in my gross body that no one would ever want. I ended
up that day laying on my bathroom floor, woozy, sick and crying, pretending
again to my mom that I’d just eaten something that didn’t agree with me,
disappointed that I was still alive, still around to face another day of
torment.

They left school, I carried on,
still more torments, more being told how worthless and disgusting I was because
of my size. Unfortunately the torments never stopped, I left school, went to
college, went to start my first job, went to start university, went on to other
jobs and so on and so life went on. I realised the taunts went on too. I got
larger, boys hit on me as a joke, or a bet. Men shouted insults at me in bars ‘what
the fuck is that cow wearing? Is that supposed to be a belt or a lassoo’ one
evening when I was wearing a beautiful white gypsy skirt, feeling pretty until
those much more deserving of airspace people reminded me of my worth, again,
thanks guys.

Every day I looked in the mirror
and I hated what I saw, I had boyfriends but I never really ever believed them
when they told me I was pretty, how could I when so many other people told me
how disgusting I was? I made relationships implode, self-destruct because I’d
twist words, throw compliments back in faces, accuse them of not really
fancying me. Those voices from school, from my past in the back of my head
reaffirming that what I was saying was right and the man in front of me was
wrong.


The torture of years and years
and years all built up, I was at breaking point, every diet I tried never
worked or it did for a week or two and I would allow myself to feel worthy with
every pound I lost but then beat myself up again with every pound I put back on.
They were right, all those people from the past, Naomi Griffiths is just a big,
fat, worthless slag.

I remember being at my all-time
lowest point, I found pictures of some slim girl, half naked on an ex-boyfriends
phone, I tortured myself with those pictures, it was my fault he had them, my
fault he’d sought out a slimmer, more beautiful model than I was. We argued,
terribly, I walked away, walked away and hated myself. Got home, tried to purge
myself of everything I’d eaten that day, that week, ever, anything just to make
the pain go away, anything to make me that beautiful, slim creature that
deserved worth. I wretched until my stomach was dry, nothing but salty tears
and bile were present, I got myself into bed, my head full of a million
different taunts, how everything was all my fault, everything was my disgusting
fat bodies fault, if only I’d been one of those beautiful slim creatures
everything would be perfect. I went to sleep hoping I wouldn’t wake up.

I woke up the next day and felt
empty, I was sick, sick of everything. More than anything I was sick of being
me in this body that I had been forced to hate that had bought me so much
sadness. I searched the internet for some kind of solace and after hours and
hours of searching I found it. I found blogs and ‘BBW’s’ and my head span with
images of these fat women looking happy and sticking their fingers up to their
tormentors. I immersed myself with them, wanted to be part of them. 

That day changed my life, I began
to tell myself good things, began to look in the mirror and tell myself all the
things I liked about myself, tell myself that I was beautiful, I posted
pictures of myself on forums and blogs and all sorts and relished in the
comments. People thought I was pretty, they didn’t think I was worthless, they
didn’t insult me, they loved how I looked. From that day I walked a bit
lighter, not because I was physically lighter but because my demons had finally
started lifting. The demons born from years and years worth of torture and harassment
and abuse, all that because I was a little bit larger than anybody else? A life
nearly lost because I didn’t wear a size 10 pair of jeans, because I had hips,
boobs, a bum, chubby thighs, a life nearly gone because I didn’t fit the
societies ideal of ‘beautiful’. The ideal that all those bullies held so dearly
that they felt the need to push it on me and hurt me because of it.


Now, you’re all thinking, Naomi,
why are you talking about this, why are you telling us this?  I’m telling you
because it’s that time of year, where we punish ourselves because the media has
yet again regurgitated all of their best January headlines of self loathing, of
body shaming, of what beauty should look like, I’m telling you because you need
to know that they’re doing it to make money out of you, they don’t really care. They’re telling you to wreck your innocent children’s thoughts at an early enough age so they start buying into this ‘ideal’ and allowing themselves to feel worthless and bullied so young,
to destroy you and your self worth, they are our modern day bullies and  I’m sick of bullies, sick of years of bullies
that never end. Whatever route you decide to take to start loving yourself, maybe the odd selfie on instagram or snap of you looking amazing in a new favourite dress on Facebook, I want you all to hold your heads up high and be confident and
beautiful and amazing because you are all so worthy and amazing and deserving.
I’m telling you because I don’t want anybody else to waste another day worrying
that they are only beautiful when they are that slim creature. Fat shaming and all the years of verbal, physical and mental abuse about my weight has never led to me getting any slimmer, in fact, it only ever contributed to me gaining weight, the bullies and body police need to stop, NO ONE EVER LOST WEIGHT BY BEING BULLIED OR SHAMED OVER IT, you hear that?! The sooner you realise you are worthy now, no matter what your size you will feel amazing and confidence seriously changes you, so remember, you are worthy
now, you are beautiful now and you are deserving now!

I love clothes, I love fashion, I
love showing you outfits but what I love more than anything else is helping to
remind you all of how amazing you are. We all have the odd hang up, but don’t let them rule you or your life. I let my bullies go along time ago and I really hope you can let them go too.
Fuck the bullies and live your lives,
whatever your size, shape or weight!
BIG LOVE

XOXOXOX

30 Comments

Add Yours
  1. 1
    Debz A

    I don't know what to say – I had no idea you had been through something so horrid (obviously… I am sorry that you had to go through that! I am perhaps a little sadder, that chubby girls are still going through this at school today! I wish the world would move on from this ideal and understand that everyone deserves to be happy! Well done you for sharing chick!! See you soon xxxx

  2. 2
    Monkey

    Amazing. Simply amazing. I read it and it was like re-reading my own teenage existence. My intense bullying only stopped because I held the main culprit up against the wall with a chair. I still was a target but nothing extreme after that. I do want to speak to my 14 year old self and say 'it all comes good in the end my love. Your life will be so much better than theirs ever will. They'll be stuck in this dead end town with no career and a million kids.'

  3. 3
    Stage Your Presence

    That post was so brave of you because of your honesty. I was bullied too when I was younger by girls who were only a few years older than me. The names they called me still ring in my ears 20 years later. I've started a blog too in the hope of connecting with other people who look like me instead of this idea of normal that I'll never be. Thanks for writing this. I think you're all kinds of amazing.

  4. 5
    Jenna

    I'm reading this crying! Firstly what fucking arseholes you went to school with and I know we shouldn't act the same way but I hope they have the most miserable lives now! You are a beautiful soul reading your blog and seeing your photos made me feel so accepting about the way I look! When I first come across your page I was jealous of you, jealous of happy and accepting you were of who you were and your confidence I never would have thought you would have suffered the way you have at the hands of vile pricks!

    I remember once having a fab night out with my friends I felt great in my outfit and as usual ended the night grabbing a bag of chips I walked into the chippy with my friends and a gang of lads were sitting down already and one shouted dont you think you've had enough chips you fat cunt! The despair I felt and embaressement still stings me like a slap when I think about it! I've been abused in the street my men because of my size! I did a diet where I didn't eat for 8 months just 4 shakes a day to feel accepted and lost 8 stone I thought this would cure me but you know what it didnt my confidence was still low! I put all the weight back on and again I'm feeling low but reading this has given me the kick up the arse I needed! Being fat isn't anyone's problem it's not even my problem and this has reminded me.

    Big hugs you wonderful lady xxx

  5. 8
    Just me Leah

    I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this crap, just because of the size of your bosy. It's heartbreaking, it's sickening, and most of all it's SO fucking unnecessary.

    It could have been any one of us, and I'm so sorry you were one of the unlucky ones who got endless taunts. I'm lucky I didn't get it too bad in school, but like any fat girl I've been taunted socially many times, almost always by men. I'm glad you're still here to help other people through bullying, because it could have so easily gone the other way.

    I think you were the first plus size blog I ever read and I owe it to you that I even got into blogging. I've grown 100% in confidence since I did, and that's because you started blogging. I can't say it any clearer than that.

    I think bullies are scum, the lowest of the low, and the things I wish on them aren't fit for me to say here.

    I want to say that it's especially brave now, when it seems the whole chuffing world is on a diet. I'm pretty strong in myself but it's getting to me, and for you to write this when this is all going on – you're amazing. x x x

  6. 9
    Sam Rowswell

    I think its great that you've shared your story with us all. I couldnt imagine what it must of felt like at such an early age. Mine started AFTER I had my first baby at 18. A guest at my sisters wedding- I was bridesmaid- said as I walked up to the buffet table 'Shit guys! Grab what you can, this fatty is gonna destroy the lot'. It ruined the day for me and destroyed what little confidence I had left. My low self esteem seemed to attract low lifes from then on and was put down by people I thought I could depend on. Wrong!
    I only started blogging after I met YOU. I had considered it but thought to myself that no-one would read it or care what I was wearing ever. You asked me if I blogged and after telling you I didnt, you asked why. You gave me confidence to try something new and I've loved it. I do still suffer from low self esteem but its getting better because i am now surrounding myself with people like you, who care and understand. For this I thank you xx

  7. 10
    Laura Nieminen

    I have the same experience. The school was like a hell. I have a long scar on my hand,which I did with a kitchen knife. And when my mum found food from my closet and saw my scarf,it was a breiking point. Last few months of school were easier, but bullying never stopped. These days, I always think first when I meet new people that what they think about me and my weight. But I know that I'm more than my size. But I can't hep it 🙂 But I know I'm as good as skinny girls

  8. 11
    Rikke

    Just shared this on my blog's facebook page. Such an important story to tell, thanks for sharing it with us, babe! I love your bravery and love that you've found your strenght and worth. You're beautiful – inside and out. Love you xx

  9. 12
    Mookie Moo

    Aww my heart breaks when I read this, but it is so important to share this.So thank you for doing so. It's so devastating to hear things like that and I guess most of us have stories like these to tell. I was in a relationship that broke me down completely. He was a fatshaming idiot that broke me down totally. Over the years I have become stronger and braver. And by reading your story and looking at your smiley beautiful face it just makes me think that I'm so happy to be part of this community that offers so much help and support! Just like Rikke above I will share this on my facebook as it is important to read it! xxx

  10. 13
    Vicky Frankland

    You are an amazing beautiful girl Naomi. I too only found self worth and confidence in myself when I started to read blogs, yours included. Thank you for sharing your story, you give others a glimmer of hope that there is a world outside of the pain of not being accepted. I found that world and I'm so glad that you did too. Xxx

  11. 14
    Sara ThickMadame

    first of all sorry for my english 😉
    I do not have suffered, thankfully, stories of bullying, but you believe me when I read that you have suffered this ,i was unbelieving,and I had tears in my eyes, how can people be so bad, it's unbelievable , you are beautiful and sweet ,and thanks to you I have discovered how good it feels to wear a dress, while being plus size girl ^ ^ THANK YOU ^ ^, kisses ,from italy

  12. 15
    Sian x

    Amazing Post Naomi. I'm so sorry that such arseholes exist and how horrible they treated you 🙁 You're a beautiful girl, inside and out and you inspire people daily. I love you Big Sis xxxx

  13. 16
    Melanie S

    You are such a great and strong young woman. I remember that your blog was on the firsts I put on my dashboard a year ago. You are beautiful, inspiring and have one of the greatest smiles I've ever seen. Thanks for sharing this part of your life with us. xoxo

  14. 17
    carpedentum

    As a fellow fat girl I can relate to your experiences. Although I wasn't physically attacked as badly as you… For you to come through those experiences and be as amazing as you are is really inspirational to me. You are so brave to talk about this on your blog too, you spoke frankly and it must have took a lot of courage. I know one positive comment can't undo all the negative but I think you're absolutely beautiful, both outside and inside (as far as I can tell from a blog. Your attitude just seems incredible.)Big hugs from a total stranger who loves your blog <3

  15. 18
    Amy Harper

    Well done you for speaking up in such an honest way about such a terrible thing. It shocks me that people can behave in this awful way all because somebody doesnt fit their ideal.

    You are such a beautiful girl who truly made me see my own body in a totally different light and allowed me to realise that do you know what, if I want to wear something I bloody well will and I'll smile about it too!

    Its about time people's mentality changed towards people who are different for whatever reason and I would love some of the horrible cows who bullied you to read this (and I'd be amazed if none of them are carrying a few extra pounds now that they have grown up) and deeply regret every hurtful word they've ever said. No one should have to experience being treated the way you did, no matter how they look.

    I'm really pleased you have learnt to love yourself now because you are beautiful and have lots of reasons to smile that pretty red smile so keep blogging because I for one love what you do xx

  16. 19
    TheBigFatIssues

    Whoa naomi your story is so devasting, inspirational, thought provoking, tear jerking and beautifully written. Congratulations on overcoming so much to become so amazingly inspiring and helping girls like me to climb our mountains. Xxx

  17. 21
    Malene

    Thank you for sharing this. I'm sorry you've been through something like that. You're amazing for sharing this, I couldn't stop crying at the end. It's a crazy world when the size of a pair of jeans could make beautiful lifes go to waste.

    You're beautiful and I need to thank you for blogging and for being one of the first blog I started reading. Blogging changed my life – and you're a part of that.

    xx

  18. 22
    Sara™

    Brave post, girl – thank you for sharing your story.

    While I have never experienced the physical abuse, I can definitely relate to the verbal and non-verbal (those disgusted looks, people shying away like your fatness is catching or not looking you in the eyes, etc.) abuse. I can't believe that people act the way they do. The fact that "fat-shaming" is still a socially acceptable practice is appalling. People can be so unnecessarily cruel.

    Keep your head up and continue inspiring us all with your super cute fashion and beauty tips!

  19. 23
    Katherine :)

    I have never related to a blog post more in my life… I have been bullied for the majority of my life and now as I moved to a different school, it stopped. Still, I thought the same; I thought I was worthless and ugly and I didn't appreciate myself at all. Thank you so much for posting this blog post, because now I know that I am worth something and that I shouldn't care what people say or think about me, because I'm me and I won't change just because someone told me they don't like the way I look. They can fuck off then.
    Thank you so much, Naomi, again. You're wonderful and never forget that. xxx

  20. 24
    compactmiss

    I hate bullying in any form and was subject to taunting because I wasn't rich enough. It breaks my heart that people can be so cruel.

  21. 25
    Kirsty Collin

    I read this with tears in my eyes. Thank you for your honesty, Naomi. You are beautiful, as we all are, and this brave post just underlines the fact.

  22. 27
    Barbara Smith

    OMG I am in tears reading this- no one should ever have to go through these things at any age let alone with all the rest of the troubles being a teenager brings. I am plus size, have just had a daughter and am slowly, healthily losing weight. I have suddenly realised i need to be healthy for her and to set a good example. When I get to my goal not only will i set a good example with my eating and healthy living but with her attitudes to other people. Your bullys are the truly ugly ones and hopefully they will look back on how they treated you and be forever ashamed. Good luck with everything- you truly shine beauty.

  23. 28
    gorgeouslyfullfat

    Go you! I'm so glad you found BBWs and the plus size positive crowd and realised the bullies were wrong about you. I was a skinny teen until I was 16 but bullied for a year before moving towns at 12. They spat on me, called me names and told the rest of the class not to talk to me on more occasions than I care to remember, nicked my school bag and ran off with it, threatened to beat me up…. It ruled my life for a year and I was glad to leave it behind.

    Bullies are pathetic. You are gorgeous and brave. Keep being you, Naomi x

  24. 29
    Johanna

    So proud of you and touched that you would share your story with us. I went through a similar thing at school and it wasn't until last year that I discovered the world of blogging and in particular plus size, curvy girls blogs. Its blogs like yours that have helped me, as you wrote, say fuck you to the bullies and to start loving myself just a little 🙂

    J x

    justjohanna717.blogspot.co.uk

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